I don’t really have a love life and I’m okay with it. But it’s funny, I used to dream every night of a boyfriend (I still daydream every day) yet that same day I would pray to God wishing to not have a boyfriend until he was ready, until the right time.
I know my worth, I know what I want but yet I can’t help missing him.
It’s funny because I pushed him away countless times, when he would say he loved me, I would reply “Thanks”, when he would flirt I would awkwardly reject it, I was in a very awkward shy phase, hated seeing him in school and I couldn’t hang around his mates – I was never that cool girlfriend you see on the tv shows that could hang out with all the dude friends. Na, nope, not me. I never really spoke to him at school and whenever I would see him I would get this sharp eruption of butterflies as if I was incredibly nervous and fearful to see him and I was. If I could, I would quickly turn around pretending he didn’t see me and go the other way. I hated that.
But I liked him liking me. Who wouldn’t? It was great having those good morning texts, the feeling that someone actually likes you, actually thinks you’re pretty, actually wants to spend time with you and cares about you. Relationships are a powerful thing, when someone likes you it can be as addictive as a drug. But I also understood I didn’t want to play with his feelings, I knew I couldn’t love him in the way he did me. Combined with the things I would hear (one girl told me he was saying things to her he should be saying to me) , the way he acted around other girls (he would choose them as partners, laugh with them, grab them – it always felt awkward as f between us and like he was going out with all the other girls – it made me feel paranoid and people would top it off and say to him and this girl “you guys act like a married couple” and with my lack of strong feelings I thought it was best I let him go. Some days I wish I rode it out, there are days when I long for a hug, cuddle or just him to make me laugh.
It doesn’t make sense, when people mention him even today my heart flutters, I feel like everyone is thinking of me even though it was nearly 5 years ago and it lasted for 5 months. Yet it feels like a week ago.
I’ve always felt like I was the reason it went wrong and to an extent it’s true I was, but I was so quick to continuously blame myself, I need to remember to stop. This is not the blame game. I need to remember that,
Some days I sit and wish I had just said no to trying this relationship, but then I guess I wouldn’t know what I know now. I wouldn’t be who I am now. But I also wouldn’t have this deep longing in my heart right now.