April 11: “If you are not moving forwards, you’re moving backwards.” aka The Hard Truth

Hi,

Im a bit nervous, I’ve gone so long it almost feels unnatural to me. How does this go again?

Im sorry I left. I wish I had a valid reason, “I was working on my craft”, “I’m too busy” yet I can’t lie I am just lazy. I don’t like doing things. I don’t stick to things. I don’t have no ideas – you know how people are like, “That idea in your head, the one you think about 24/7, just do it” – I am unfortunately one of those poor unlucky souls that just don’t got it. I don’t have any end goals, I don’t know what to do with my life.

I am at the crossroads of crossroads, and boy, does it suck.

The words “I don’t know” pour out of my mouth more than anything else, I am not assertive, I am definitely the epitome of not moving forwards. I am the exact same I was a year ago but I have just moved from a school setting to a work setting. I thought work would change me, would make me into that person that I admire – that I make things work, I’ve got goals, I play instruments, speak another language and put ideas into practice person but nope. Work is just something I use to hide behind to pretend I do things. I don’t do jack.

This is the hard truth. 

Yet, it still hasn’t suck in. I don’t realise how much time I’m wasting. How much opportunities I ave right in front of my face that I am letting go to waste. I know I should do something, I’m not naive, I know I am wasting my  life yet I am to the verge where I just don’t care. How I feel right now is when a meat-eater knows about the cruelty of animal torture and the logic to a plant-based diet yet they say they don’t care because the convenience and familiarity of eating meat is just too great. I am convenient. I am comfortable, I love being a lazy git, I do. But enough is enough – today is the day.

(inner voice: of course it is Omo, stop pretending like you give a damn, you can’t teach an old dog new tricks)

Today is the day. For 30 days consistently, I shall upload. Every single day for 30 days. I shall spend time on this laptop here speaking my feelings out into the world. For all to see. Having conversations with myself.

 

Well, see you tomorrow.

It’s been lit.

 

Love,

 

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